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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26998486">Life in Roswell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zula_blue/pseuds/Zula_blue'>Zula_blue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:22:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,304</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26998486</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zula_blue/pseuds/Zula_blue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A compilation of one shots. Most of these stories are either Malex or gen, with Alex being the main player.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Forrest Long/Alex Manes, Maria DeLuca/Michael Guerin, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The words I cannot say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His timing was abysmal. After Caulfield, he was so scared for almost losing Michael, and he was so angry at all Manes' men he just wanted to say screw it. He remembers driving not knowing where, but also not surprised when he arrived at Guerin's place. He was sure he would leave all of it behind, the army, the shame, the guilt. He would finally go after what he wanted, and that was Guerin. </p><p>They didn't talk that night, but he showed up the next day, less convinced of walking away from the mess that was his family but still trusting his heart. He took his guitar because it felt like a reminder of how it started the first time, a peace offering. He waited and waited, but he never showed up, so he left the guitar on the bed and went home.</p><p>His timing was abysmal. He should have planned things better, bringing up his mother and then what-ifs of their past was bound to go wrong. Sometimes he wishes he never joined the army. He wonders how life would be like if they left Roswell after high school, left as far away from his father, from all this mess. </p><p>Sometimes he wishes he was brave enough to fight for him, to be there. Instead, here he is, ten years later and three tours in a war zone, and still as scared, sometimes even more. The military taught him how to be physically strong, smarter even, and made him more afraid of showing his true self. He learned to be discreet since the academy when he saw the harassment a fellow soldier endured for being open about his sexuality. And while he was no stranger to bullies, once deployed, his life depended on his squad's trust, so it was safer to be quiet.</p><p>He knows he has hurt Michael at every turn. He hadn't meant to react the way he did at the idea of someone discovering about them.  He hadn't meant to let his father's words affect him that night at the movies. He hadn't meant to make Guerin feel used for sex and nothing else. It didn't change the fact that he did leave, which makes what Guerin says much harder to hear.</p><p>
  <em>"I don't want to keep hoping that maybe this time, you won't go."</em>
</p><p>Because he wishes he could tell him now what he should have told him when they were 17. What he has always felt but never dared to voice out loud, "I love you, you are the best person I've ever met, and I love you."  He wants to promise that he will not walk away this time and that Michael is good for him, is the best thing that has ever happened to him. He wants to say it, but the words won't come out because as much as Alex wants this, to be together for real. Alex doesn't feel ready. He is not sure he can keep his promise, and he can't hurt him again. So he doesn't say anything and watches Michael leave. It feels different this time, and his heart breaks, watching the love of his life disappear. There are tears in his eyes, and he wonders if this is what Michael felt every time Alex left. Broken, hopeless, and alone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The love that I want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex and Forrest had been dating for six months when he brought up the idea of moving in together. </p><p>Alex is just not sure what he wants. Sharing a house feels like forever, and a part of him is not ready.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex and Forrest had been dating for six months when he brought up the idea of moving in together. Alex asked for some time to think about it. Now four weeks have come and gone since the topic was first brought up, and he can sense Forrest getting anxious for an answer, just waiting for the moment to bring up the question again.</p><p> </p><p>The thing is, Alex feels happy with Forrest. He can picture a future with him, a good one. If Alex analyzes the situation from a logical perspective, it makes sense. Forrest spends most nights at Alex's place; he even has a toothbrush and a change of clothes. Alex likes Forrest, even loves him, and he likes that he knows where he stands. They share an interest in writing, dogs, and ice coffee. Forrest is funny, smart, and calm. They have great chemistry, and for the first time in his life, Alex has been brave enough to publicly being in a relationship with a man. Forrest has helped him embrace that part of himself, and he feels more confident in his own skin. If he says yes, he knows they would live in the cabin. They have more privacy, and Alex feels more comfortable there. Forrest thinks he doesn't like the farm that much due to his cousin, but the truth is that when they spend time at the farm, he can't help but think of Tripp and Nora. He can't help but think of Michael Guerin. So, avoiding the farm is better. </p><p>No matter how many reasons he has to take this next step, there is something inside him holding him back, which says slow down. He lies to himself, saying that it's just nerves of making a more serious commitment. Because this is his longest relationship, and he doesn't want to screw up. He tells himself he is hesitant to let Forrest into his life more fully. Sharing a house feels like forever, and he is not sure he wants that. </p><p> </p><p>He has been going back and forth in his decision for days, and as much as he wants to ignore what's making him doubt, he can't. The thing is, he only ever imagined having a future with someone—his first love. He couldn't help but feel like if he says yes, he would definitely give up any chance of getting back together with Michael. He thought he was over it, that he was finally moving on. He was deluding himself because a part of his heart will always belong to Michael Guerin, and he is not sure he can build a future with someone else. Their "relationship" was so different from what he has now, full of insecurities, secrets, and shame. They were never good at talking, but somehow they always seemed to have a powerful connection like their souls know they belong to each other. Even with all their troubles and misunderstandings, he can't help but compare him with Forrest. The way he loves Michel is overwhelming and all-consuming. He can forget the rest of the world when they are together, and he would do anything for him. With Forrest, everything feels steadier. Their love is safe and calm; there are no surprises, and everything sometimes seems just so  <em>normal,  </em>which is great in its own way.</p><p> </p><p>He should have seen it coming, the candlelight dinner and chatting ambiguously of changing the couch.</p><p> </p><p>- So...Have you thought about it?</p><p>- What?</p><p>- Moving together...- Forrest looks hopeful, and Alex doesn't want to hurt him, but he doesn't want to take this step when his mind and heart are in conflict.</p><p>- I don't think we should do that yet. - He says slowly, trying to gauge his reaction.</p><p>- Why?</p><p>- I just... I don't... I think moving together is going too fast. - Alex hopes they can leave it at that, keep doing what they're doing, but Forrest doesn't let it be.</p><p>- Tell me the real reason why Alex. </p><p>- What do you mean? I just told you, this...moving together just feels too fast.</p><p>Forrest doesn't look convinced, and it is not like him to keep pressing the issue when he notices Alex doesn't want to talk about it. Still, it seems he wants to know more, and maybe Alex's hesitation has been more noticeable than what he thought. </p><p>- Is that all it is? You just want to slow things down a bit?</p><p>Alex wishes he could reassure Forrest and say yes, that's all. But he is looking at him with those big brown eyes, and he can't tell him that, so he deflects.</p><p>- What else would it be? - He regrets it as soon as the words are out because Forrest takes a deep breath before asking.</p><p>- Does this have anything to do with him, your ex? - And that's that. Point blank and straightforward, and Alex freezes, and Forrest takes that as his answer.</p><p>- Do you love me? He asks, and the hurt in his voice is enough to make Alex react.</p><p>- Of course, I do.</p><p>- If we love each other and we are good together, why are you hesitating... You do think we can be happy together, don't you?</p><p>- Yes. It's just... - He has never been good with coming up with the right words on the spot. Even though he has gone over every scenario's pros and cons, he still doesn't feel ready to have this conversation. He can feel Forrest getting mad and knows no matter what he says, he will hurt him.</p><p>- What Alex?! Just tell me what's on your mind. Tell me the truth!</p><p>- The truth is... that I do have strong feelings for you, and I do think we could have a great future together. I just... I am not sure if it is the future I want. This is not about you... it's me. I should want this with you, but...</p><p>- But what Alex? just say it, you are not over him no matter that he chose your best friend over you, no matter that he doesn't want you... We could be happy... being together is simple and feels good. Why is it not enough?</p><p>The words stung like they always did, and he wished he knew what to say to not hurt Forrest. But truths are often painful, and he deserved honesty.</p><p>- Because...I don't want normal and comfortable and uncomplicated...I want...</p><p>- What?! What do you want, Alex? </p><p>He knows no matter what happens now, Forrest and him are over. This feels like something they can't come back from. So, he might as well be frank.</p><p>- I want painful, complicated, intense, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love...don't you want the same? - Alex doesn't know where the words are coming from just that finally, after days of going back and forth, this feels right. He knows what he wants. Forrest is just looking resigned and sad. He pushed, and he didn't get the answer he wanted, but he also didn't seem that surprised at the outcome. </p><p>- No! Alex, love is not supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn't supposed to hurt. </p><p>Alex thinks that it is a romanticized idea of love, where everything is happiness and bliss. Maybe he is doing this all wrong, but he has loved Michael Guerin for over a decade. They have hurt each other so much over the years that Alex probably shouldn't still feel so much for him, but he does. It might not seem right or healthy for Forrest, but Alex would take the pain and the heartbreak all over again in a heartbeat just to kiss Michael, to hold him one more time. It means something that he feels this way. Because even with all the mess between them, it still feels unfinished. Maybe he won't move on unless he and Michael give themselves a real chance to have a healthy, happy relationship. </p><p>He is letting go of a good man for an unlikely opportunity with Michael. Still, it feels like the right choice. </p><p>- I never meant to hurt you. I just can't help what I feel.</p><p>Forrest just looks at him for a moment waiting to see if Alex would take it all back. When the silence has stretched too uncomfortable, he turns around and leaves. There's nothing left for him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I am tired of what-ifs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"If I had gotten out, left Roswell, and I'd asked you to come with me, would you?"</p><p>When Alex asks, Michel knows he would have said yes, but Alex isn't really asking, he is talking what-ifs.</p><p>So, Michael says No.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"If I had gotten out, left Roswell, and I'd asked you to come with me, would you?"</p><p>When Alex asks, Michel knows he would have said yes, because all he ever wanted was for Alex to ask, to not leave him behind. Michael would have followed him to the end of the world...if it meant they were together. But Alex isn't really asking. He is talking what-ifs. He doesn't want Michael; he just wants to know how much more would Michel be willing to give him, how much longer he'll wait for something that may never happen. Alex has been adamant in saying there's no future for them, that he can't be with Michael for whatever x number of reasons, that they never really knew each other, so how can they feel so much for each other. Alex has been saying no for decades, ever since he left without giving him a phone number or an address to contact him. Every year he didn't write or called or visited or bothered to know anything about Michael. So, really it is his own fault for getting heartbroken, for wanting and hoping for something more between them. It's his turn to walk away, to choose something other than this limbo he has with Alex. He just lost his mother and Max, he got all the other aliens killed, Noah was dead, and with him all the answers he wanted. He was holding on by threads, and he needed to be there for Isobel. </p><p>He can't lose it now, and letting Alex in is too much of a risk. Still, if Alex were asking right here right now to run away together. Michael would say:  <em>Are we taking your car or mine? </em> It's that simple. But Alex isn't really asking, and Michael is tired of what-ifs. So he says, no, and enough, and I can't do this anymore. He walks away from the love of his life, and it hurts, but it also feels freeing. There is no more wondering, just acceptance that maybe they were never meant to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Wait for you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Love and promises at 17</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You know I'll wait for you, right?" Michael says softly, chin balanced on the fist that he has propped up on his lover's naked sternum. </p><p><br/>Alex looks down at him, running his fingers through Michael's curls. "Wait for me where?" he asks, smiling.</p><p><br/>"Here, wherever. I'll wait for you to come back to me." They are on the truck bed, and it has been over a week since Alex told him he enlisted. Michael was angry and hurt at first, but it seems he has accepted that Alex has to leave. </p><p><br/>"You don't have to do that." It is weird to want something so much and don't want it at the same time.</p><p><br/>"I want to...I want to be with you, and if I have to wait a couple years...I can do that. It's not like you are leaving the planet. We can write and call, and I'll see you on breaks. We can make it work" He sounds earnest, and Alex wants to believe it, that they still could have a future, but it just seems so unrealistic. He wants to argue that he may not even come back or that they are too young to know if this is a forever thing, but Michael kisses him, and everything goes quiet. "Don't say anything yet. Just think about it." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Too late</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What if it was Kyle who went after Michael at Caufield?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning: This is a death-fic</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He doesn't know what activated the alarm, but he knows Flint is telling the truth, and they have only a couple minutes to get out. He knows that if the building had a self-destruct measure, then the files and data must be copied somewhere online. He is thinking about efficiency. Kyle can run faster, and he knows where Michael is. Alex brought a flash drive with a bug to access any data. He knows he can find that backup. That's why he turns to Kyle and tells him to get Michael, and Alex will try to get all the information there. </p><p>He types as fast as he can. After all, he is used to working under pressure. The system is outdated and similar to his father's bunker, so it is easier to find a weak spot. He succeeds, and he grabs anything on hand as he runs towards the exit. He gets out on the 2-minute countdown and runs to the car to take cover.</p><p>He sees Kyle there, but... no one else. "Where's Michael?" It's as if the world goes in slow motion. He sees Kyle moving his mouth, saying something, but his mind is going wild. He starts to turn around to run back inside, but Kyle stops him, and his words finally register.</p><p>He is speaking fast probably cause he knows Alex's gonna bolt, "I told him. I told him to get out. But Alex, he said they were his family, he met his mother. I tried to get him to leave, but...he didn't want to. I tried...I am sorry..."</p><p>Alex gets free and starts running because he can't lose Michael. He doesn't want to be in a world without Michael Guerin. He runs as fast as he can, and his brain is telling him he is too late, but his heart can't let him stop.</p><p>He is almost at the entrance when the building explodes. The force of it pushes him back, knocking the air out of his lungs. He can't hear anything, just a constant hum. He feels disoriented but finally manages to sit down, and then he can see the debris and the fire; the whole building collapsed. His first thought is, "Flint was right; nothing gets out alive." </p><p>He knows something terrible happened; his mind is just a little slow in putting the dots together. Kyle comes running, checking him for a concussion or something, and he is crying. Now, he knows what happened, but he can't react; he can't accept it. Kyle is looking at him like he will break, and it pushes him to keep his face completely blank. Just like his mind. He feels...disconnected from reality, muffled, unreal. He stands up with Kyle's help. "I'm truly sorry, Alex. I know that despite what happened between you two, you–"</p><p>"Not now" Alex cuts him off and takes a step back, out of reach. He doesn't look at Kyle. His eyes rove around almost blindly until he spots the car. "We should get out of here before someone comes."</p><p>The drive back to the cabin is unbearable. Alex doesn't cry, he doesn't rage, he doesn't... do anything, he just sits there, while his mind barely touches any of the thoughts that try to intrude upon him.</p><p>Kyle wants to stay with him, but Alex wants to be alone. He can't stand the way Kyle is looking at him, and reluctantly he leaves. </p><p>His mind is frozen. His emotions, stormier and stormier by the second, are walled up behind a thick sheet of icy numbness. His only thoughts are, "It's not true. It's not happening. It's not true." he repeats them like a mantra.</p><p>He feels heavy and tired as he crosses the living room and heads for the shower. He takes off his leg and turns on the water. After a couple minutes, he gets dressed, and he is walking towards the couch. He is going through the motions, and still, nothing feels real. </p><p>And then it happens.</p><p>It's Michael's hat. He left it in the car, and Alex thinks he grabbed it when he got off... and it's this thing -what finally shatters the ice that covered Alex's mind.</p><p>He breaks.</p><p>He heaves loudly because suddenly, he can't get enough breath into his lungs, and he has to blink hard because his eyes are burning and full of unshed tears, and he can't see out of them. Then his good knee buckles, and he reaches out to catch himself, leaning against the wall, sliding down slowly, inch by inch, until he's on the floor, and he hugs himself and cries and sobs, and he falls apart. He just lost the person he loves the most in this world, and this time, there are no do-overs, no second chances.</p><p> </p><p>He is too late. </p>
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